Centering-Part 3 of 5

Third post in a series of Parenting tips... All starting with the Letter "C"

Looking for the first two "C's" in the series? Click for Choices and Commitment.

Today we are talking about Centering.

Centering means we are in the moment. This means four things....


1. We see our children as people. People just like us. They have good days and bad days. They worry, have stress, insecurities. They have hopes and dreams and get excited, just like us. They have things to say, opinions to express, and feelings to share. How do you feel when you are trying to talk to someone and they are distracted, or not listening? We feel lousy. We know when someone isn't listening to us. We know when people are pretending to care about what we are saying, and so do our kids. 

Put yourself in your children's shoes. Have compassion and think of what it is like to be them. Stop seeing them as a distraction and be with them. Right then.

2. Avoid Jumping Ahead. As a parent, it is easy to jump to the future. We have had experiences our children have not and we understand how actions affect the future. But, jumping ahead on our kids confuses them, and sends the message that we are not listen and don't care. 

I distinctly remember learning this lesson with our son. 

He was struggling with his multiplication. I looked at him and said"...if you can't get these problems right, you will never get into college".

WHAT? What is wrong with this statement, besides EVERYTHING?

Now, it is true that our son needs to learn his math if he wants to do well in school and get into college. But at 6 years old, does that matter to him. NO! Does he really even understand "college". NO! In fact, he looked at me and said..."mom, you're not even listening to me, what does college have to do with 2 x 4"? 

My statement made him feel like I wasn't listening.

My statement confused him.

My statement made him feel like I didn't care about his question. 

M statement frustrated him. 

My statement made him feel like I didn't understand.

I was not centered on him, his question, or his feeling and concerns. 

We need to make sure we stay centered. We need to make sure our comments are circumstance appropriate, age appropriate, and understanding appropriate. Avoid jumping too far ahead. It sends a message to our children that we are not listening and that we don't understand or care. 

3. Really listen and pay attention. To be centered on your child, in the moment, means to put down what you are doing and actually listen. It also means that saying "uh huh", does not cut it for having a conversation with our children.

We need to put everything else down.

We need to look them in the eyes.

We need to be at their level.
We need to actually listen to the words they are saying.

4. Don't push our own agenda. I am at fault for this. A lot. I give the impression that I am listening, that I am centered and in the moment. But all I am thinking about is what I am going to say when our kids stop talking. Meaning, the second they stop telling their story or expressing their thought, I hit them with..."that is great, now will you please finish taking out the trash and start your homework".

The message I send is that ..."I don't really care what you just told me, stop talking and get your work done".

We need to let go of our own agenda and what we want to say, and instead listen to what our kids want to say.

The best part of being centered is that our love and understanding for our children will grow. We will love them more deeply because we will get to know them better. We will also have more patience with our children. Our children will be better behaved and more obedient. Our relationships will be strengthened and we will find more enjoyment in being parents. And our kids will find more enjoyment in being our kids.

Do you ever Jump Ahead with your kids?
What can you do to be more centered with your children?