Our littlest church-go-er.
It is hard, I know. I have had plenty of Sunday's when I get home and wonder why I even bothered to shower or do my hair for the occasion. I am sweaty, tired, and can't remember what the lessons were about.
There are things we can do to make our Sunday's less stressful.
1. If you want your child to sit through meetings with you, there is one BIG thing to understand. If your child misbehaviors and you take them out. And they get to run up and down the hall and play etc. They have just been taught that it is a lot more fun in the hall than in the meeting. As a result, they will act up just to get out to the hall.
I would do the same. Why would I want to sit and be quiet when I could go out and run around. Children have to understand that if they are taken out it is not going to be peaches and cream.
Take them into an empty room, sit them on your lap, and explain that is where they will stay. No exceptions. Once or twice and they will want back into that meeting. I can't emphasize how important this is for changing behavior. No child is going to sit quietly when they know that with a little noise they can be running and playing in the halls. It has to be better in the meeting than in the halls or they will always act up to get out.
2. You will have to put in effort to get your toddlers to sit quiet for that length of time. Take a good mix of distractions and realize that YOU will have to put in effort, a lot of it, to get through the 3 hours. Or even to just get through Sacrament Meeting. Pop up books, coloring pages, picture books, and things with different textures work really well.
Today was a pretty good day in church WHEW! Minus a few little yells. With our 2 year old, we colored in a coloring book, and went through a number of other books. Probably 4 others. We looked for familiar items, we traced shapes with our fingers, we looked for Noah's animals in a pop up book. In between we lead the music like the conductor and searched the congregation for all the kids in our daughter's nursery class. We practiced folding our arms when prayers were said, and at one point, I had her put her hand out flat and I traced around it with my fingers. Then we followed the stitching on her shoes with our fingers. We also have a little pouch that zips open and closed. Today we took the little pouch and put a toy in it. Then we practiced zipping and unzipping. Makes me tired just thinking about it all.
With 15 minutes left, and ideas waining, we took an old tootsie roll wrapper and quietly tucked it in the pages of the hymn book and then practiced "carefully" turning pages to find the treasure.
The point. I don't have the liberty of sitting back and expecting her to entertain herself. Eventually yes, but right now I have to put in effort if I want her to sit quiet with me in the meetings.
3. Don't let them down. If you want your toddler to sit on the bench or on your lap, don't let them get down on the floor. Don't make it an option. You are just setting yourself up for trouble. That is when they wander, want out, want to climb under the seats, want to use their legs to escape, you know the routine.
4. Practice, practice, practice. Everyday. Kids have to be taught to sit still. Take a few minutes each day and start teaching them to sit still. Start with 5 minutes. Put them on your lap and teach them to use a quiet voice and look through books, or color. Quietly point out things in the room. After a few days of 5 minutes, increase to 10, then increase your 10 minutes to 15 etc... Not only will your children learn to sit quiet, but you will come to really enjoy the time with them. We have to help them develop their attention span. This also applies to whispering. We practice using our quiet voice, or whispering all the time. That way when I reminder our little one at church to use a quiet voice she knows what I mean.
5. Keep your church books and toys separate. Pack up a church bag with special and appropriate books and activities. Don't let these be a part of your kids everyday toys. That way when you pull them out at church they will be new and exciting.
6. Careful with food and candy. Be mindful that always bribing with food can set you up for trouble as your kids get older.
7. Don't rush out the door. Don't be too quick to rush your kids to the hall if they make a noise. People understand. If they don't, it's not your fault. You know when things are out of control, but try to work through the situation before you just give up. Sometimes all it takes is just a few seconds and you can create a distraction that quiets things down.
After all is said and done... Remember...
Three hours of church is three hours of church. There is no way around it. It is too much for me sometimes too. Imagine being 15 months old, not understanding what is being said, and having to sit in one place for that long? When we think of the experience from our children's point of view, it helps us be a little more long suffering and compassionate.
We signed up for this. Church should still be a great experience for us, even with little ones. Still, we need to realize that when we decided to have children, we decided to sacrifice for them. That means sacrifice a church lesson too. We can't expect to sit in church and listen to what is going on like we did when we were single, or newly married. We need to have reasonable expectations.
Our little ones CAN sit on our laps during meetings. They have the ability. You don't have to spend every Sunday in the halls. We can teach our children to sit on our laps and talk with soft voices.
This too shall pass. Our kids will grow up. They will be old enough for nursery, they will sit still all on their own without having to be entertained. Then, we will miss their little hands, we will miss the sweaty Sunday's, and we will wish we would have enjoyed that time more. Really we will.
Laughter is good medicine. One the days when frustration has set in and we feel like we are a side show, laugh. Don't mind the people around you, or the funny looks that sometimes come from the older ladies in relief society. They might have forgotten, but they were once in our place. Trying to do their best. Just chuckle and do your best.
We have our days, kids have their days too. Just like us, kids have tired days, hungry days, off days. It's okay. Cut them a break. Give yourself a break too.
All of the work might not seem like it is worth it. The truth is, putting in the effort will actually start to make our lives easier. We will have confidence that we can take our children out in public, that they can sit on our laps and be quiet when we need them to be. It will give us a lot more freedom and less stress.
Church is hard. But, there are preparations we can make at home to ease some of the pain and make it a better experience for our whole family. And, the energy and effort we put into it when our children are young will not only help them as they grow older, but will help them in school and all the other activities they participate in. It will allow us to take our children to other places with confidence.
There will be good days and bad days. We can't quit. Our effort is making a difference. Over time we will see changes and the good days will start to out weight the bad.
WHAT ARE YOUR TRICKS FOR GETTING THROUGH CHURCH?
DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH A WAR WHEN CHURCH IS OVER?
The best thing I ever did was get rid of the church bag full of toys and books and snacks. I spent the whole time getting things in and out. Very distracting. Now each child gets a pen, a notebook and one small toy. And no snacks. At first it was hard, but it's now SO much better. And I totally agree with the hallway thing. We have no rooms to go into, and once I went to the hall it was a huge party and someone gave my kids cookies. Argh. So our other option is to the car if needed.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure anymore how I found your blog but I love your tips.
ReplyDeleteI agree with making them sit quietly if and when you must take them out. I also keep the church bag stocked with toys that are only for Sundays. Every few months I freshen it.
I sometimes sit by a Young Woman or a grandmotherly type to help me (my husband sits on the stand) but sometimes my kids act up more with someone else who is more lenient than I am.
Our Bishop had some great remarks last week from the pulpit asking young moms not to skip their meetings or take their kids home for naps. He said the rest of the ward needs to understand, and we must all make church a priority for all (if that makes sense. He said it much better).
If you can't find an empty classroom the car and carseat work great. When we have been in a full building where there was no empty classroom to be found I would take my toddler to the car and strap them in their carseat and then sit there with them. Works like an empty classroom, it just isn't any fun.
ReplyDeleteAlso, like you said, this too will pass. I have eight kids and have spent much time taking toddlers out to an empty room or carseat, and amazingly enough, though it seems like it will never happen, kids do learn to sit quietly through sacrament meeting.
Yes, I was often totally worn out by the time church was over My youngest was a terror during sacrament for a while when she was three. The Sunday that my husband was sustained as Bishop, I carried her screaming from the chapel 2 or 3 times. And then again after church when he was being set apart. I spent the next several months taking her out all the time. (and she hated sunbeams too!) A lot of time spent in the car calming down. She learned, she improved, and now I can listen to the talks most of the time. Yesterday she sat with just a pencil and the service folder.
It will happen some day! It does seem like forever when you are in the middle of it though.
Also, once they hit age two or three or so I stop bringing them snacks. (depending on the meeting time). The older kids learn that the snacks are for the baby/toddler.
I got some great advice once about how hard it is to go to church every week and leave feeling spiritually drained instead of refreshed, because you spent your whole time trying to get your children to be reverent. My friend said, "One day though I realized that right now my season of life is to train my children how to be reverent so that someday they'll be able to get that spiritual upliftment at church. And then one day we can be spiritually uplifted together." I really liked that. I always think about it: now is the training time and what a reward will come someday because of it!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the post!
My sister in law shared your link. I appreciate all of your suggestions. I have a 10 month old and want to start teaching him now on how I expect him to behave in church. Thanks for posting.
ReplyDeleteI really like your tips and realized while reading it that I need to rethink some of my sitting-in-the-pew strategies. We don't let our kids run around in the hall, but I do let them get away with a bit in the pew as long as they are being quiet. I try to remind myself every Sunday that this is my season as a young Mom.
ReplyDeleteI do want to make one comment - I don't know if sitting for 3 hours is all that realistic with Church interfering with nap times. It doesn't matter what I do, we are often outside pacing the halls with a tired baby towards the end of church. And it doesn't matter what time church is, it interferes with someone's nap time. And it's not that my baby wants to get down and play, they are just flat out tired and screaming their lungs out. Those are the days I come home completely exhausted. I guess I just wanted to put that out there for any parent who can relate.
Also, for those with 16-17 month olds, you might see about taking them into nursery for an hour. Our nursery lets the parents bring them in as long as the parent stays with them to help them transition to nursery easier, it also gives you a bit of a break.
thank you! i just told my husband last week that since becoming a mom, church just serves to highlight all my insecurities as a mom. someone else's kids are always quieter, or routinely let them attend Sunday school while i have spent every Sunday school hour since he was born in the mother's room trying to get him down for a nap.
ReplyDeletethen i remember, like some of your other commenters, that this is my season . . . and that the best thing for the insecurity is to ask other moms how they do it. they'll be the first to tell that they're not having as easy of a time as it looks like they are!
I let my kids routines slide on Sundays. Naptimes - totally variable. Meal times - apparently all day long. With a young baby nap times have to happen really, but with an older baby or a toddler we've always tried to nap before or after meetings, even if it's a bit of a stretch.
ReplyDeleteTo the Mum's hiding in mothers rooms everywhere: Get out and in to your class! I keep my kids still with us during sacrament meeting as much as I can, but during Sunday School when they are pre-nursery we let them play quietly throughout the room. RS I try to keep them still a bit more but actually my husband normally took the baby during that time so I don't know what he did. Others should understand. If you get a sharp look from someone, ask them if they'd like to hold the baby for a while! I've realised recently that being a mother is the most important thing EVER, how did we all get here? Our mothers. So don't hide that part of your life from the rest of your ward, show them what it's like and give them an example that they can follow one day, or a happy reminder of what young children are like.
Aubrey,
ReplyDeleteArgh, it seems that no matter what time church is, it interferes with someones nap time in our home also. I know it is hard for our kids. Goodness, it is hard for me sometimes also. :)
Karen,
ReplyDeleteYep, we have found ourselves in the car before also. Thank you for sharing your "expertise".
Hard to believe that they will eventually sit still, but they do. I look at our 8 year old and can't believe that I used to "wrestle" with him, just I do with our 2 year old now.
Thanks for the reassurance that "this too shall pass"