FAMILY FUN FRIDAY! The Paper Bag Game

You have got to give this game a try. Be sure you have a camera close by when you play.

Objective: To see who can bend over the lowest and pick up the paper bag, with their teeth. :)

Materials: All you need is a paper bag (grocery size). The best place to get them is at your local grocery store. Ask for paper the next time you are checking out.

This game is great for the whole family. You will get better at it the more you play.

To Play: Have your family stand in a circle, stand the bag upright and place it in the middle of the circle. One at a time - each person puts their hands behind their back and balances on one leg. They then bend over and try to pick up the bag with their teeth (still on one leg, hands behind their back). Once they pick up the bag the next person gets a turn. Once everyone in the group has taken a turn, rip or cut a layer off the bag making it slightly shorter all the way around. You can take as much or as little as you want. Once you have made the bag shorter, everyone takes another turn trying to pick up the bag with their teeth at the new height. Continue taking turns, and then cutting layers to make the bag shorter and shorter. As people are unable to pick up the bag they are eliminated. Keep playing until the last person can still grab the bag with their teeth. 

For smaller children that will find balancing hard, no need to make them balance on one foot. 

It is hilarious to watch your family as they try to bend lower and lower to pick up the bag.

Perfect for Monday night, or any night. 

Helping Children (and families) Cope With Death

Dear Family Volley,

I have just been diagnosed with cancer.  It's very treatable with an excellent prognosis, however, my young children will have to see me go through various treatments, be away from me more (I'm a stay at home mom) and have a lot of disruption.  They are 1 and 3.  How much and how should we explain to them what is going on?

 Thanks!

Holly

_______          __________        ________         __________     __________     ___________

Dear Family Volley,

I hate to ask such a “overwhelming” question… but we are dealing with my very sudden and shocking discovery of my husband’s mother with a brain tumor. Her mother (my husband’s grandmother) is still alive – so we thought we would easily have 20+ years with her. His mom is only 72yrs… Better yet maybe my question is How do I support my two young girls and my husband through all of this sadness, stress, and soon to be loss, while trying to deal with it myself? How do we support two very sad girls?

5 years ago I lost my grandmother to a brain tumor as well. So I understand it all. But how do I explain this all to my 2 little girls (7 1/2 and 10). We finally sat them down. They both are incredibly intelligent and I think they understand that this will mean death… but it is affecting them greatly.

We live in FL on the West coast and Grandma San lives in Maine. She was given 2-4 months. She just finished a round of radiation and we just heard that she lost most of her hair. We will be heading up there next Thursday (4/8) until the 20^th. Kind of a way to give all of us – but mostly our daughters some time with her and possibly a goodbye. We have a book. But it’s just not helping. My eldest is definitely stressing and constantly thinking about it. She even started to sleepwalk again due to her worries. Our youngest – well she is aware and we believe she is internalizing it. But not really understanding it all.

So “Grandma San” has not passed away yet… but we know it will happen sooner rather than later. We are all devastated.

I’ve been relying on my parents/wonderful friends to help support me – because it is just too much for my husband – as he is trying so hard to deal with it all himself. I also need someone who is unbiased to help…

Thank you so much. Truly. Any insight would be phenomenal!

Always,

Kymmie 

West coast, Florida

_____________________-----------------_____________________

Dear Holly and Kymmie,

I am so sorry for what you and your families are dealing with. Our thoughts and prayers are with you as you are coping with these challenges.

Every person, every child copes with stress from death and illness differently. When children are very young, you can be more limited with what you tell them. You never want to lie, or deceive. In your case Holly, you are able to talk more about the affects that the treatments will have on you and less on the cancer. Explain that you are sick and that you will be given medicine to get better, but the medicine makes your hair fall out. Assure them it will grow back and that it doesn't hurt. Explain to them what you will do until your hair grows back so they know how you will make things "normal". There is usually not a need to tell them what "could" happen, or how bad it "could" be. 

It is important to recognize how the stress is affecting them. Some children become more violent or disobedient, some become very quiet and withdrawn, there will most likely be some behavioral repercussions because of the stress. Be very patient as these changes manifest themselves. Think about how hard it is to deal with these things as an adult, then think what that must be like to their little bodies and inexperienced brains.

Now... Some general guidelines to help children deal with the stress of death and illness. (These principles can apply to any stress, new sibling, moving, starting school, anything).

• Create a low stress environment: it is important during these trying times to do all you can to keep as much stress out of your home as you can. Little things like getting behind on the laundry, or letting rooms get out of order or cluttered. If emotionally or physically this isn't possible, don't hesitate to ask for help. Even if it is just for a short time. Assess what everyday things bring stress and anxiety into your home and try to safeguard yourself from those things by thinking ahead and being prepared. If there are unnecessary activities in your family's lives, think about eliminating them until things get back to normal. 
• Stick to a schedule: This could be one of the most important things you can do to help children, and your self, deal with stress. Keep things consistent. If you have always had spaghetti on Monday's, keep doing that. If you always go for walks on Sunday's, try to keep going on those walks. Do all you can to keep the everyday normal. When there is a schedule and things are routine, kids know what to expect. They feel safe and secure when their lives are predictable. Don't we all? It is the unknown that makes children scared and uneasy. Try to keep things as normal as you can. 
• Model responsible stress management: I am sure there are days and moments when you don't know how you are going to keep it all together. When you would like to yell and scream and express frustration by throwing something. In front of your children you need to practice responsible stress management. Stay calm, demonstrate thoughtful actions and words. Children will be upset by outbursts, yelling and violence. Children will watch very closely to see how you are handling things. They will mimic a lot of your actions. Understand that these experiences will happen to them again. Your good example now, will teach them how to handle stress as they grow older. Save the the outbursts for the times when you are alone, or with your spouse. Then you can let all of the anger and frustration out.
• Act as a buffer between your children and the stressful event: You are there to protect your child and help them through the coping process. Give them opportunities to talk about their concerns, but don't be pushy or meddlesome. If they feel like crying, let them, if there is anger, let them express it. Give emotional support by activity listening. You can best help by listening without judging, evaluating, or ordering them to feel differently. 
• Teach children to relax: Relaxation can help children deal with stress. Teach them to breath deeply, and help them do some very basic stretches. One of the most successful is the "rubberband stretch". Have the child take slow breaths and stretch their arms straight out to the sides as far as they can, like a rubber band, then bring the rubber bands back to hang limply by their sides. (This also works with children who are angry for whatever reason).
• Teach coping skills: If you find that your children are expressing a lot of anger, help them harness the anger by giving them something constructive and physical (hammering nails in a new bird house, let them punch a punching bag, have them pitch baseballs into a net). If they are sullen and sad, get them involved in a new hobby to help bring a smile to their faces, do something funny, make them laugh. If they don't know how to communicate their feelings, teach them communication skills. 
• Do things together as a family: Do what ever activities you can together. When a loved one is lost we don't really want to get out and do anything. It is necessary to feel the grief and the pain, but research shows that families who loose a loved one, get over the loss faster when they get out and do active things. Take walks, play games, go to the park. Doing things together will help in the healing process.
• Take time to remember your loved one: Help your children do activities that will help them remember their loved one. Put together a scrapbook with pictures and quotes from your children about that loved one. Have your children put something in their rooms that reminds them of the happy memories they have with that person. Teach them a hobby that their loved one did.
• You must grieve also: Take time for your own grieving, so that you are healthy and can help your children. Remember the oxygen mask? It applies here also. Go on dates with your husband, breathe fresh air, keep engaged in your hobbies. Have some quiet time each day to meditate and cope. 

Band together as a family. Be there for one another. Show extra love and extra patience. Strengthen your families through the loss or trial and it will bond you together and bless your relationships. 

Have any of your dealt with death or illness with your children? Any tips you want to add? How did your family cope?

Family Volley

Something Went Right Today

I have this routine at the end of everyday. As I lay in bed I think about how I did as a mom that day. Was I patient, kind, sensitive? Did I work hard, fulfill responsibilities? You know, was today acceptable? Usually the answer is a loud and clear,

Argh, You Can Do Better!!! Not usually, always.

One thing that I have been working on is being more spontaneous, more fun. I am the one that is always thinking about the responsibilities and what needs to be done. My husband on the other hand, is the one who is always ready for no responsibility and lots of fun. Our kids know that. I didn't even have to tell them.

Tonight as a climb into bed, although there will be plenty of "You can do better", This morning something went right.

While doing my daughters hair, she asked if I would teach her how to do a ponytail, by herself.

My first thought, not today, we don't have time. Tuesdays are our busy days, not to mention my plate was extra full finishing all the end of the semester grading. Ponytails were not on the agenda.

She asked again, only this time with her eyes. Eyes that begged to spend some time, just us. I couldn't deny the eyes.

So for the next two hours we practiced and practiced and practiced. We laughed, we sang, we made up stories. I learned a lot about her, the time flew by, we had fun.

I was again reminded, the agenda doesn't matter, but the child does.

And when all was said and done, her ponytails weren't too bad either.

How to Really Love a Child- A Poem

How to Really Love a Child

Be there.

Say yes as often as possible.

Let them bang on pots and pans.

If they’re crabby, put them in water.

If they’re unlovable, love yourself.

Realize how important it is to be a child.

Go to a movie theater in your pajamas.

Read books out loud with joy.

Invent pleasures together.

Remember how really small they are.

Giggle a lot.

Surprise them.

Say no when necessary.

Teach feelings.

Heal your own inner child.

Learn about parenting.

Hug trees together.

Make loving safe.

Bake a cake and eat it with no hands.

Go find elephants and kiss them.

Plan to build a rocket ship.

Imagine yourself magic.

Make lots of forts with blankets.

Let your angel fly.

Reveal your own dreams.

Search out the positive.

Keep the gleam in your eye.

Encourage silly.

Plant licorice in your garden.

Open up.

Stop yelling.

Express your love.

A lot.

Speak kindly.

Paint their tennis shoes.

Handle with caring.

What do you think, is the poem forgetting anything?
I recently found this on pragmaticmom.com.

FV Book Club Reminder

Just a reminder that The Family Volley Book Club will soon be called to order. We are going to start with Leadership and Self-deception, by The Arbinger Institute. This book will bring insights that will change you. You will love it. Promise. If you want to be a part, email me so that I have you on the book club list. 

There are a few of you who commented and are interested, but I can't find an email in your profile. (The Stevens Family, Natalie, Karen). Will you three email me so I can contact you.
Thanks.

Can't wait.
Family Volley

Teaching Our Children to Work

Washing the Car. My husband and our son (when he was 2). 

One of the best gifts we can give our children is a work ethic.

A lot of questions have come in about getting kids to work. I have also had some about allowances and if kids should be paid for doing chores.

There are a lot of different opinions about this. I am going to share with you what I believe is the best, What I teach other families as I work with them and what works in my home.


Allowances
When we train children to work by paying them, we reinforce self interest. It might get the job done in the short term, but it can have negative consequences in the long run. Instead of motivating children, it can turn into parents and children trying to out manipulate one another. Rather than "motivate" children we should open their eyes to the needs that naturally surround them. 

We don't give allowances in our home.

The reasoning: Our children are expected to contribute to the maintenance of our home. They take care of regular responsibilities. They make their beds, clean their rooms, hang up their clothes, put their toys away, etc. I try to teach them to "see" what needs to be done. When they walk past a toy on the floor, I want them to see that the toy is out of place and pick it up and put it away. Not because they get 20 cents or because it is written on a chart, but because they are fulfilling a need.

Another reason we don't give allowances for regular around the house chores is to avoid developing the mentality that "I only make my bed, so that I can get something in return." I want them to make their bed so that their room looks nice, to take responsibility for their belongings, so there is order in our home, because it helps our family as we try to keep things clean. If I want a work ethic to be instilled in them, it has to be for the right reasons so it will last throughout their lives. When I do the laundry every day, no one is standing there to give me 2 dollars. I do it for my family, so they have clean clothes, and to keep our house in order.
I do like finding change in pockets. :)

Tips for getting kids to work
There are some things that we can do in our homes to help children not only learn how to work, but also enjoy working.

Don't Speak Ill of Work: This is a hard one
If we say we don't like laundry, if we sigh and scoff when we have to help kids clean, or do the dishes, our children will pick up on that, and they will develop the same mentality. They will think that household work is miserable. We have to be very careful about the words we say when it comes to work. Working hard to say positive things about work will do much in helping our children to have a good attitude about work.

Work With Your Children:
Children like to work. Most children, especially young children, love to work and offer to help. What most children resist and resent is being asked to work alone. "Go clean up your toys in the basement" sounds overwhelming. "Let's go clean up your toys in the basement" sound completely different. Be willing to work side by side with your children. You will love the results. You will also see that things get done faster. It is also a great time to teach them.

Make Work Fun:
Our kids match the socks and then get to throw them into the laundry basket across the room like a "hoop". They love laundry day because we "play basketball". Weeding is also turned into a game. We race to pull the weeds, we shoot hoops with the weeds into the trash bags. We play guessing games as we learn the names of the plants. Sometimes there is complaining, every day is not perfect, not even close, but we press on. When work is fun, there is less complaining.

Teach children to serve others:
This is two fold. First, Provide opportunities for your children to serve others outside your family. Service projects teach children to work. Second, Family life itself is filled with needs. We want to teach our children to see needs and be willing to step up and fulfill those needs. Teach children that it is their moral duty to respond to the needs of others. Mowing the lawn and taking out the trash are needs that need to be tended to when the trash is full and the lawn is overgrown, not when we "feel" like doing it.

Be patient and show love:
Don't force or manipulate children to work. Set expectations. Make consequences clear. Then be patient, of good cheer, and show an increase of love. Children will come around.

How do you teach your children to work?

P.S. if you are looking for ways to pay children, or help them earn extra money, have them work in your neighborhood. Mowing lawns, starting their own lemonade stands, baby sitting, pulling weeds for neighbors, etc. We have some 8 and 9 year olds in our neighborhood who are too young to babysit alone, so their mothers help. Once a week they put on a 2 hour child care where moms can drop off their kids and go run errands etc. The cost is 2 dollars.

Family Volley

FAMILY FUN FRIDAY! The Candy Bar Game.

A perfect activity for your weekend, or for FHE.

THE CANDY BAR GAME!

Materials:

• Candy Bars (Regular Size, Pick your favorites)
• A Dull knife and Fork (plastic silverware will work also)
• A pair of socks, or mittens
• A hat
• A scarf
• A set of Dice

To prepare: Leaving the candy bars in their original wrappers, take them and wrap them like you would a present. Wrap them in a few sheets of newspapers or magazines, even lined pieces of paper or computer paper would work. Wrap those bars up really good. Secure the wrapping with masking tape if you have it. If not, any tape on hand. The more tape and wrapping your use, the more challenging.

How to Play:

Place a wrapped candy bar, socks, silverware, hat, and scarf in the middle of the circle. Have one family member start rolling the dice. Each person takes turns rolling until someone rolls doubles. The person who rolls doubles puts the socks on their hands and puts the hat and scarf on. They grab the silverware and start trying to unwrap the candy bar with the silverware. Meanwhile the dice keeps getting passed, each person trying to roll doubles. As soon as someone else rolls doubles they immediately take everything from the person working on unwrapping, put everything on and start trying to unwrap themselves. The rolling and the stealing continues until someone is able to unwrap the entire candy bar. The person who unwraps it gets to keep it.  

This game has a built in treat. Use the candy bars as dessert. All ages can play. I will give our 18 month old extra die and she helps "roll". When our son was three I would wrap the candy bars more loosely allowing him to have better access. We have also played where the young kids don't have to put the socks on, but my husband and I do. We love playing in winter because our ski gloves are easily accessible.  Be prepared there will be a lot of laughing. Especailly when someone has waited so long to roll doubles and just as they get everything on and start trying to unwrap, everything is stolen from them. 

Any one ever played this game?

Let me know if you give it try. I would love to hear how things go. Take some pictures of your family in action.

Family Volley 

And you, Tell me, What Would YOU do?

Tell me, If you had 30 minutes to relax right now, what would you do?

Me, I would grab the book I have been trying to finish for the last 6 months, "Catching Fire", and get reading.
And if I lived by the beach I would read with my feet in the sand. Because everything is better at the beach.

Photo from our families trip to La Jolla, January 2010.

Why should we find 30 minutes to relax, read this to find out.

I Forgot to Put My Oxygen Mask on First.

There has been a lot going on around here lately. Between the everyday routine of raising three children, blogs and baby showers, wrapping up the end of a college semester, and a million other things too long to mention, the last two months have been filled with very very very late nights and long days. I am sure you can all relate.

Yesterday it all came to a head. Literally. I barely got out of bed to get the kids off to school. My headache was so bad I couldn't see, think, walk. Every step brought excruciating pain and dizziness. I have only had a migraine twice in my life and this far exceeded anything I had ever experienced. For those of you that deal with these types of headaches regularly, I have deep respect.

I knew I had brought the pain on myself. I had not been getting any sleep. A few hours a night for too long had caught up to me. I fought through the morning, then the afternoon, it was all a blur. My eyes were closed for most of it. When my husband came home around 3, he could see things were bad. He had to literally carry me upstairs, cover me up and demand that I did not get up until he told me I could. I didn't fight him.

Really once my head hit the pillow I had no choice.

The afternoon turned into night and then into morning as my body tried to recover. I woke up this morning with a touch of the pain, but the sleep had taken care of most of it.
I opened my eyes and laid in bed assessing the last 24 hours. I knew I couldn't let this happen again. I felt guilty because I had not been able to take care of my family the day before. Then it hit me, a conversation I had with my dad when we had our first child, eight years ago.

My parents were in town for a few weeks after our son was born. They could tell I was feeling overwhelmed by my new responsibilities. Not to mention the post part-um hormones had me completely sideways. As my dad and I sat on the porch talking, he asked me if I remembered the instructions they give you about oxygen masks when you fly on a plane.

"Yes, if the cabin pressure drops, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling." I said.

" Do you remember the part about traveling with children?" He asked.

"Um, sort of. Something about your mask and then their mask?"

"That's right," he said. "They instruct you to put your mask on and then put the mask on the child." "Why do you think they tell you that?"

"Well, if the parent doesn't take care of the themselves so they can breath then how can they help the child." I said.

"Heather," he said, "it is the same way with being a mother. Remember to take care of yourself so that you can best take care of your family."

I laid there this morning recalling that conversation with it's fatherly advice and I realized that I had not put my oxygen mask on in a long time.

As mother's and women we have a natural instinct to take care of everyone else's needs. It is in us to nurture and in doing so we push aside what we need so that we can care for those we love. Our responsibilities are so great, when we don't feel like there is time to get everything done (which is everyday for me), the first thing we cut out is what we need.

I recommitted today to put my oxygen mask on first. I can't have another one of those headaches.
Thanks dad for the advice.

Any of you ever feel this way?
Anyone want to recommit with me?

Family Volley

Homework-Pickup the Pace

Dear Family Volley,

How do I get my son to do his homework in less than 45 minutes (instead of battling him to do it for hours after school)?

-Elizabeth

Arizona

_____________----------------______________
Dear Elizabeth in Arizona,
Thank you for your question.
It seems like homework is a continual process in any home. Some children want to get it over with, some children go slow because it is hard, some children have minds that are so busy thinking about other things, that they can't keep their thoughts on the task at hand, and some are bored because the work is too easy.
Assess the reason behind the slowness....
If it is because your son is struggling to understand, then he will need extra attention from his teacher/s and from you to learn the skills he is struggling with.

My guess is that he understands the material, grows bored, so his mind wanders to other things. The best way to help him get his work done more quickly is to sit with him while he is doing his homework.

First, establish a routine. Have him tackle homework at about the same time everyday. Try to understand what type of setting he needs to study in. For example, I have learned that our son needs time to wind down after school. He needs to come home, eat a lot of food, tell me about his day, and then he is ready to sit down for homework. If I try to push him to get the work done and he is has not had a few minutes to relax, oh it is a nightmare. Our daughter is the opposite. She wants to walk in the door, get the job done, and then talk and eat later. If I want our daughter to relax and wait to do her homework, she feels anxiety and frustration. We try to stick to the same routine everyday, and I try to be prepared to spend that time with them.

Once you have established the routine, sit down and join them. You will see the homework time cut in half. Atleast in half. It doesn't mean you have to do his work, or be talking to him, but be there, next to him while he works. I know this can be hard to do, especially if you have other children, but it really will make things go faster, and there will be less nagging. This same principle applies to getting children to work at anything. Sending a child off to their room to work by themselves usually means hours of battling the child to clean and constant nagging. If parents work with the children (which doesn't mean doing the job for them), The chores or work gets done much more quickly.

So,... to speed up the homework process, sit down with your child. Not only will your relationship be strengthened but you will get a refresher course in long division and the life cycle of a butterfly.

What is your homework routine? How do you tackle the homework battle?

Family Volley

Tired in Bed-It's Rated "G", Promise

First let me say this is very safe to read. I promise. I have been debating about addressing this topic for the last few weeks. Then when I recieved this same question, 8, yes 8 times in my inbox, from different readers, in One Week, I couldn't avoid it any more. 


The other 7 questions were a little more , shall we say, forth coming. Tired in Bed will represent all the questions on this topic.  


Dear Family Volley,
This might be a taboo subject on family volley, but I am in need of some advice! My husband wishes it was "how it used to be" back when we didn't have any kids. 4 kids later, I am tired, exhausted, not anywhere near the body shape of my 27 year old self (when we got married). I am sure there are a MILLION reasons, it "isn't the same". But I try hard to keep him happy. It is not that we don't have sex,  it is just that I might not be that "excited about it" as I used to be. The temperature has to be "perfect" for us both to enjoy it. 

To be honest, I am sick of trying to get to the right temperature. I just want it to go back to being fun and easy and not having so much drama around the issue. CAN YOU HELP? I don't have time to find a therapist.. Although I feel I need one!

Sincerely,

Tired in bed. 
___________________-----------------_______________________

Dear Tired in Bed,

Thank you for your "honest" question. This is a topic that very few people are willing to admit they want to work on. It sounds like you are fighting a very familiar battle. Kids and life are taking over your marriage.

First, realize that to women, subconsciously everything is related to how we feel about being intimate. Dishes aren't done, intimate. Kids were hard to handle today, intimate. The house is a mess, intimate. Husband helped with the  laundry, in.tim.ate. Sometimes men don't understand that. Tell them. Explain how difficult it can be to "relax", when there are so many things that need to be done, and that are on your mind. For women a bad day means they are not interested. Men do not usually view things this same way. Women need to be shown love and attention. For women, having our husbands help shoulder our resonsiblites is much more likely to get us in the "mood". 

So given that everything in our day affects how we feel about the bed room, we can make some changes in different aspects of our day that will help us more easily find the temperature we have been looking for. Struggles in the bedroom are not necesarily bed room problems. All the other problems in life tend to affect the bedroom.

Here are some suggestions....

• Life in general can make us tired, but sometimes we are trying to do too much and that makes us really tired. When we are really tired we dont' have the energy to "be together". Asses your families life. Are there some things that you could cut out so you have more energy to be together.  Be sure your family is not overscheduled. Activities are good, for you and your kids, but too many will mean your family is not getting stronger, instead you get weaker because there is no energy to spend with one another. 
• Establish a bed time for your children, and stick with it. Not only will it be better for your children, but it will give you and your husband time to be together everyday. This alone time is very important when you are trying to establish "temperatures". 
• When you have time together at night because the kids have a bed time you stick with, spend that time talking. Turn off the television, turn off the computer and any other technological distractions and Talk. Remember when you were courting, when things were "how they used to be". Remember when you fell in love? You probably talked a lot together. Try it again, only listen and learn as if it's the first time, and don't interrupt. You have to make time to do this on a daily basis. 15 minutes of talking daily is one of the surest ways to keep the two of you from "drifting apart". 15 minutes doesn't sound like much, but most (like 80%) of couples, don't talk to one another for 15 minutes a day. Pay attention to one another the way you used to. 
• Along these same lines, if you have a television in your bedroom, take it out. Let your bedroom be open to connection through words and touch. 
• Go on dates. Weekly. Or atleast every other week. Baby sitters are much less expensive than therapists. It is okay to leave the kids and go do something together. This sends a message to your children that your marriage is important. Hold hands, walk slow and enjoy being together. Treat eachother with kindness and respect and you will feel the temperature rise as you spend time just the two of you. This can include a night away with one another. You can't expect to retain feelings of love when you neglect your companionship. 
• Find things you like to do together and do them. Don't give up the things that made you so happy at the earlier phase of your marriage. Be intentional and do things together. 
• Say hello and goodbye to one another. When your husband leaves for work, don't just holler "bye" from the kitchen. Go to him, give him a kiss, an I Love You, and say goodbye. Connect the same way when he comes home. When you were dating I bet you wrapped your arms around him and wounldn't let go. Do that again. 
• Go to bed at the same time. Establish a nightly routine that allows you and your husband to climb into bed at the same time. Laugh and chat while you brush your teeth. This routine should happen everynight if possible. 
• This one is direct.  For the next three months, you and your husband each committ to being intimate twice a week. You are responsible for initiating once, and your husband the other. When it's your turn, set the mood, the place and the time, the agenda. When it's your husbands turn, be a willing participant. You will quickly see that those two days of the week you may treat eachother better than you did when you were first married. Set aside time and make it a priority.   

You should start to find that as you and your husband put more effort into finding time to be together, you feel better about yourself also. Use your alone time to compliment one another, express gratitude for all your spouse does. Thank him for all the ways he supports your family. Tell your husband how you feel when he acknowledges all the hard work you do for him and for your children. 

Rekindle the flame you once had and you will see that "things will be more like they used to be".

Family Volley

Anyone else feel like they are always hunting for the right temperature?

What do you do to keep the flame burning bright?

Don't Eat Pete:A Game for your Whole Family

Don't Eat Pete

Life shouldn't be all work and no play. It is
great to understand families better, but we need to be doing things together too.

So here is a game that our family loves to play. It is quick, easy, any age can play (our 18 month old loves this game), and it is fun.

Materials: All you need is a piece of paper and a big bag of candies or snacks like M&M's, Skittles, Cheerios, or Goldfish. I have even used peas and cut up carrots when I am trying to get the kids to eat more veggies.

How to Play: Get your piece of paper and draw lots of silly faces. Your kids would love to be involved in this part. Draw the squares for them and then have them fill each square. As you can see our "board" has gotten a lot of use. If you look close, in the bottom right hand corner, you can see where our daughter accidentally drooled last time we played. To much laughing with too many skittles in her mouth. :)
Put a piece of candy, or snack in the middle of each square.
Send one person out of the room. Everyone remaining in the room agrees on which square with its piece of candy will be "Pete".
Once the person re-enters the room they are to start picking up pieces of candy one by one and eating them. (They are trying to not pick the same square that the group decided on while they were out of the room.)
As soon as the person picks up "Pete" everyone at the table yells "DON"T EAT PETE".
That ends the person's turn.
Fill each square with new candies, send someone else out of the room and decide on a new secret square.

Object: The object is to try and eat every piece of candy, leaving Pete until the very end.

Kids love this game, they love to yell "Don't eat Pete".

If you decide to play, let me know. I would love to hear how it goes at your house.

Have a Great Weekend.

xo
Family Volley

Newest Giveaway Winners

Thank you to everyone who entered our two latest giveaways. I was so fun to read all your comments. Thank you for supporting Family Volley.
The winners are...


Julian and Co. Farris who said, "I love the Godmother Necklace"


Covered Up Shauna who said, "I think the Car Seat Canopy looks like a great product. It would be a perfect addition for our new little guy coming this summer."


Farris and Shauna, please contact me so that I can get you your goodies. And Congratulations.

Once Busty

Months ago when I started thinking about this blog, I couldn't figure out what to call it. My husband and I would lay in bed at night and think and think. We had been through what seemed like hundreds of ideas, but to no avail. One night it was very very late and we were still trying to think of something.
Now, when my husband gets tired, he gets funny. The more tired, the funnier. On this night he was really tired. He rolled over and with a serious face said, "I got it". I looked at him, so eager to hear his idea. He then said, "call your blog Once Busty. It took a minute to process and then we both began to laugh hysterically. We joked about how before children I had a chest, a great chest, if my husband does say so himself. Then with each child, with each late night feeding, my chest quickly dissapeared. Over the years my husband and I have joked about how our children have altered my physical apperance.

So are the sacrifices of being a mother. Children change us, all of us. They change us spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Our children are worth every bit of sacrifice. They have given me much more than I have lost. Nevertheless, we still joke that one day modern medicine can give me back what I once had.

Heather FV

What have you lost or gained since having children?

P.S. Please don't let this deter anyone from having children.

Toilet Training - Part 2

Yesterday gave us some helpful guidelines to follow when it comes to preparing your child for toilet training, and also helping you to gauge if your child is ready to be trained. Now, for today. 

Recognize, that no matter what the age, but especially if you are struggling to train an older child, it is usually not about their ability to be trained, it is about CONTROL.

We can control or force everything upon a child, but, Going to the bathroom is the one thing that children have ultimate control over. Ultimate Control. They decided where and when they will go, and there is little, if anything that we can do about it. Some children will hold on to this for as long as they can. The child feels like they don't have control over their lives so they try to gain control by hanging on to the one thing they are ultimately in charge of. Their bowels. It gives them control over something, and they know that, and it gives them attention and power. Refusing to train is an outward expression of those inward feelings.

So how can we get kids to give up this control so that they can be trained? I offer two suggestions.

1. Give the child control in other areas. The goal is to have them feel in control of their lives. Give them two choices of what to wear in the morning, let them choose. Let them choose what they want for lunch. Let them choose their vegetables. Let them choose what park you will play at, or the routine they would like to follow for bedtime. Let them choose the jobs they will do around the house or where they want to sit in the car. Give them opportunities to lead and to be in charge. As they begin to feel control over other aspects of their environment they will relinquish control of their bowls.
2. Give your child more one-on-one attention. To a child who is seeking attention, it doesn't matter if the attention comes from positive or negative actions, it is still attention. When a child does something wrong, even if you scold them, you have had to "deal" with them, you have paid attention to them. Set aside extra time to be with your child. Time everyday to play, with no restictions, or interuptions. Let your child choose what they want to do. Pretty soon the extra positive attention will help them let go of the need to gain attention by being unwilling to train, or by going in their pants. They wont need you to change their diaper to get attention because they will be getting plenty of attention in other ways. 

Refer back to what we talked about yesterday with a stubborn child. If you have a child that is stubborn, use yesterday's techniques to deal with them before you try and train them.  

Next, as a parent, when you decide to train, stick with it. In many cases the parents were not committed to training the child and that is why it was unsuccessful. It sends mixed messages to your children if you are willing to go back and forth from diapers to underwear to diapers to underwear. Why are children going to put forth effort when they know their parents will just give in and let them go back to diapers? Parents need to be ready for toilet training also. Don't dabble in it. Wait until you and your child are ready to do what it takes and then go for it, don't look back. Stay the course. 

When a child becomes toilet trained it gives him/her great confidence and a feeling of mastery. These feelings will generalize into other aspects of their lives. They will have more confidence and desire to do things on their own, like feeding themselves and dressing themselves. This new confidence will buoy them up and push them to face new challenges and tasks. 

MY FAVORITE METHOD

Whether you are just starting to think about training a child, or you have a 5 year old who is long over due for "big boy pants", the best technique for toilet training is "Toilet Training in Less Than a Day" by Nathan Azrin and Richard Foxx. You can find the book online or at your local book store. 

Not only does the method work, but your child is trained in a day, and oh how the stress is alleviated. It will be a pleasant experience for everyone involved. 

Much of what we have talked about in yesterday and today's posts comes from basic learning strategies that can be found in "Training in a Day", as well as most psychology books. These learning theories really work, and not just with toilet training. They are vital to raising children, regardless of the challenge. 

A word of advice. This method is successful, but it takes parental commitment. You must be willing to get the book and read it, know it, and then be prepared. You will need to committ a day to training. To staying home and teaching the method. When you are done, not only will you have a child who has dry pants and goes in the toilet, but they will be able to do it themselves, and they will be happy. It is wonderful. And remember, if you have an older child that you have tried to train without success, consider having someone else use this method and train them. Their father, or a close friend, even a responsible teenage sibling. Don't deviate from the process and you will see amazing results.

Disclaimer: Just because a child has been trained, doesn't mean they are perfect. Accidents can still happen. 


I have helped countless numbers of families use the method with 100% success. I have used it on two of our three children, and in the next few months will use it on our third child. I train them in the morning and by the afternoon, we are out running errands without diapers.


Anyone going to give it a try?
What ages do you usually train your children?
Any success stories with this method?


Happy Toileting
Family Volley

P.S. I uploaded a picture of our son sitting on the toilet when he was little, but couldn't bring myself to publish it. So... imagine a picture of a bald 19 month old little boy grinning ear to ear on the "pot" here.

Toilet Training - Part 1

Dear Family Volley,
...any tips on potty training a 3 1/2 year old who simply has decided she doesn't want to do it? 
Beth


Dear Family Volley,

What is the best age to begin toilet training?  My friend has a son and he is going on 4 years old and is still not toilet trained...I babysit him sometimes and I think he is too big to still be in diapers.

 Natasha M.

Dear Family Volley,

I have a boy who will be 5 in June.  He is my 3rd son and was my most interested in potty training and was trained the earliest.  Well...that was 2 years ago.  As I write this he sits in a diaper totally unphased and could care less about the potty.  I am absolutely at a loss as to what to do.  He is supposed to start kindergarten in the fall.  He is capable of doing it, but refuses.  His main problem is pooping in the toilet.  If he wears underwear it usually ends up in there.  I admit to having been frustrated and even punishing him in the past.  Now I have tried to give the control over to him, but I REALLY need him to go to kindergarten this fall.  He is a very strong willed boy and only does things on his time table.  Any suggestions??

Pooped in Vegas

__________-------------------_________________________

Dear Pooped in Vegas, Beth, and Natasha,

This is a very common question. Toilet training can be a nightmare, it can also go very smoothly and be a good experience. I offer understanding and solutions for this major problem of child rearing. In a TWO PART SERIES.

As far as age goes, yes Natasha, 4 is too old to still be in diapers. In fact research shows us that mothers report that as a child grows older, the lack of tiolet training causes progressively greater strains and tensions on family life, and on the mother/child relationship.

Also, when you have older children who are not yet toilet trained, this usually means that there have been past attempts that have failed. Past failures can lead to children deliberately "going" in their pants as a means of getting attention (we will talk about this tomorrow), and when a mother sees that her child is wet again she usually doesn't shout for joy, but instead communicates disappointment to the child, who then starts to feel that they are no longer a source of happiness to their parents, but instead frustration. There can be a great deal of baggage in the mother/child relationship if past attempts have failed. If you have experienced a number of unsuccessful attempts at toilet training a child, it is a good idea to consider having another person teach your child (this could be their father, close friend etc.)

Handling toilet training in the wrong way can lead to parents having to "mend" hidden damage.

The goal is not just to get children to go in the toilet and not in their pants, but to teach children to go to the bathroom themselves, with the same independence as an adult demonstrates, and without the need for reminders and continual assistance. 

So today, let's cover some things that parents can do before they toilet train to help kids get ready, as well as ways to know if your child is ready to be trained.

First, When your child is very young (12 months +), there are a few things you can start to do. 

• Have your child learn to assist in dressing and undressing him/herself. Especially in pulling their pants up and down. Even though they probably won't be able to do it alone, encourage them to be a part of the process. For example, begin to teach them how to pull their pants up, once you have helped them get their legs in the holes and put them on.
• Teach your children the meaning of the words that you plan on using to train them, and be consistent. Words like wet, dry, sit down, and stand up. Also decide and then start using the words you prefer for the actual poop and pee. Will you say potty, pee-pee, some other name. Decide and then use those words. Be sure you and your husband use the same words so there is not confusion.
• Let your child watch you and other family members use the toilet. While they are watching point out what you are doing. "See I am pulling down my pants, to go to the bathroom." Let them lower the seat when you are done and flush. Show excitement for their help.
• Teach them to follow your instructions. Children very young are able to follow directions. Give your child instructions to do something and do not let the instructions go unfulfilled. Praise them when they follow your directions and don't let tantrums discourage you.  

There are also some simple tests that can help you gauge if your child is ready to be trained. Most children 20 +months, are capable of being toilet trained. Keep in mind though that every child will be different. Three simple tests can help you assess readiness.

1. Bladder Control

• Does your child urinate (go quite a bit) at one time, or is it more dribbling throughout the day? 
• Does your child ever appear to know he is about to go to the bathroom, facial expressions, gestures, etc?
• Does your child stay dry for a few hours at a time?

If your child does all three, then they have passed the bladder control test. Even if he/she doesn't do the second one, they might still be ready, not all children will give visible signs that they are about to go. 

     2. Physical Development

• Can your child walk from one room to another with ease and without help or assistance?
• Does your child have enough hand coordination to easily pick up objects?

If you answered yes to the above then your child is has enough physical development to be trained. 

    3. Instructional Readiness

To determine if your child can follow directions and understands, ask them to do the following. 

• Ask them to sit in a chair
• Ask them to touch their nose, eyes, mouth, hair
• Ask them to stand up
• Ask them to follow you to another room.
• Ask them to imitate you (anything will work)
• Ask them to bring you a familiar object
• Ask them to put that object with another object (will you put your block on the chair).

If they can fulfill most, 5 or 6 of the 7 then they understand direction well enough to be trained. 

If you child doesn't pass the "instuction test", you will want to work with them before training them. They might just be to young and not have sufficent vocabulary yet. You can teach that to them very quickly. 

If they are older, and/or they have sufficent vocabulary, then it could be that they are just being stubborn. If you know that they understand what you have said, but still refuse to carry out your instructions, you will want to address this before you begin to train them. If stubbornness is the problem, you can't really depend on age to solve the problem.

How then do you teach a stubborn child to follow instructions? Some tips...

1. Give instructions only when you are next to the child.
2. Make sure you have the child's attention before you give instruction.
3. Provide gentle manual guidance within one or two seconds after an instruction is given if the child does not start to follow the instructions on their own.
4. Give enthusiastic approval as soon as an instruction is followed.
5. Do not give a second instruction until the first one has been completed.
6. Don't let a temper tantrum deter you from seeing to it that the instruction is followed.

Use these rules as you go about your everyday tasks, simple things, like asking them to pick up a toy, putting their shoes in a certain place, etc...

When you feel they are following instructions give them the readiness test again. If they pass, then consider them ready to toilet train.

Tomorrow...Toilet Training Part 2

• What do control and toilet training have in common? EVERYTHING. How to get kids to give up the control.
• Parental Commitment. Don't turn back.
• How a child's independance will generalize to other areas.
• My favorite method for toilet training children, I will share it with you.

Family Volley